Ok, so perhaps the title is a little dramatic.... But never the less I thought it tied neatly in with the blog and stuff... Haha...
Last week my eye had started to bother me. It even swelled up one night when I felt like something fell in it. So with a puffy red eye the next morning my mother concluded pink eye. We still had some of the medicine from the last time I had it. So within the next day it had healed pretty much all the way after only one drop. I was busy the rest of the week so I didn't have time to use it again just in case. Then on Friday my eye started to bug me again. My mom was in LA so I couldn't ask her to find the stuff again. But I figured my dad was here so I could just have him give it to me. (I'm severely incapable of taking anything for my eyes... I hate eye drops...) So we rummaged around the medicine closet figuring we would find it even though I didn't know the name or what it looked like. (When you are fixated on getting one of your least liked experiences over with, details on things like what you’re taking sometimes finds its way around your thoughts.) So I gave my mom a quick call to double check on what to take, and I got the machine since she was in a meeting. I went back to the cupboard where my dad was still searching. My eye caught a familiar bottle. I was sure it was on the counter the day mom gave me the drops. So I was sure that was it. Dad looked at the bottle and couldn't find anything discouraging. Why, there were even two eye droppers in the cup the bottle was in.
We walked into the living room where I would lay on the couch because I didn't like it standing up. I lied down and looked up awaiting the black red drops I dreaded. Then I felt it, at first it stung. Not unlike it did before. But then something was different. It burned, something was wrong. Then I realized it. That was NOT the same thing I had last week... I was scared, what was happening? I felt my eye start to swell and crust, I raced for the sink. My dad told me to wash it out. But I didn't know what to do! I ran the water splashing it into my eye as well as I could. Over and over I splashed water. My dad went to the basement to make a call to a clinic. I was numb, my thoughts racing. I still felt the burning pain. It only worsened. Then poor Aron my little brother ran out of his room hearing the commotion. All I could say was I was fine and it would be ok. But would it? How would I know? Still splashing the water in my eye I prayed. The best I could out loud though I never did before. Sure I prayed all the time, every day. But never out loud... I knew God heard me, I knew he was listening. But if he would answer it I didn't know. This could be it. I could be blind in one eye for the rest of my life. Was I scared? Sure I was. Who wouldn't be?
But I knew no matter what, whatever happened it would be fine. It didn't matter if I was blind. God would use it. So I didn't worry. Now the pain on the other hand was hard to overcome at the moment. Just a minute later we rushed out the door. I felt so bad leaving Aron there. I hoped he'd be ok. But there wasn't time to convince dad to bring him. We ran to the car and bolted out the drive way. Skidding along the icy dirt road, I prayed in my heart and out loud that we would at least be safe on getting to the clinic. We swerved out into the cross way onto the pavement, I thanked God we didn't crash.
We made it to the clinic in record time, and jogged into the lobby. We told the receptionist who we were and showed her the bottle of Iodine, and she freaked out. My dad told her not to scare me, but nothing could scare me more than I was, or had been the last five years, knowing any day I would lose Erik. To me this was nothing. We got in soon after where the doctor thoroughly rinsed my eye twice. I grimaced at the cold liquid spilling over my inflamed eye. Man I hated eye drops... After about fifteen minutes of dropping stuff after stuff into my eye, and examining it under the eye thing. He gave us the news. "Well here's the good news" he said. "Iodine is sometimes used in surgeries for the eye. So I don't think it will leave any lasting effect. And I didn't see anything soaking into your cornea so you won’t go blind" I thanked God. "However I did see some scrapes at the top layer of your cornea, where you could have rubbed it and took some of the top layer off" (Ok so I'm not sure word for word on this so I'll just give you the gist). The doctor said 50% of the top layer of my cornea is gone. It will heal quick and easy because it regenerates very fast. I now have a contact band aid on to protect from any hindrance in the healing process as well. And now that you know the medical details I'll rap this up because I'm tired. Yes this experience was long, drawn out, and the most painful of my life yet.
All of Friday my eye still burned. When I first took a glimpse immediately after the drops the white of my eye had shriveled and I could see what looked like a tiny wood rings around it. And the outside was stained a black red from the Iodine, which now is my main irritant which makes my lid feel like plastic... It was hideous to say the least. But I know I'll get things out of this experience, so I have no regret. After we got home dad played the guitar and sang some old praise songs I hadn't heard in a long time. And I was very happy to hear them. Aron had been fine the whole time. I was very relieved to know he wasn't scared while we were gone. I had three appointments so far. And they say the only long term thing will be to take artificial tears for about six months. I wasn't at all ungrateful. I was glad I wouldn't be blind and that was all.
I am very grateful for how God protected me and gave me strength through all of this. I know if it happened just last year, I would have been a wreck. I can’t imagine what I would have done... Losing Erik has changed me entirely. And this has shown me that... I no longer have fear in death or in pain. Nothing will ever pull me from God and his hand. Erik showed me many things, and I believe this to be the most incredible. I pray and hope that I too could be used by God. That whatever happens I could be some use to him. This is my wish for my life. And I hope that in some way this story could have helped someone out there. That this be one of many testimonies to Christ and what can only be conquered by His hand in our lives. I don't consider this experience that big of a deal in itself. But I think what the point is, is that I wouldn't have this attitude without God. Without having known him personally. It is only by His hands that I HAVE no fear. So I hope this all makes sense, even if I don't think I made it understandable enough... Thank you if you read all the way through this. It means so very much to me!!
